


split down that long back

by castielanderson



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Depression, Flashbacks, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resurrection, Season 6 Spoilers, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 10:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14974922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielanderson/pseuds/castielanderson
Summary: On Earth, Shiro struggles.  After his time on the astral plane, life doesn’t have the same appeal.  He has to learn to live again.





	split down that long back

**Author's Note:**

> i’m thinking about a second chapter? tumblr: shawnnhunter

Looking back, he can’t deny the spark of relief that fires within him when he catches Keith’s attention inside the Black Lion’s consciousness. He hadn’t wanted to die the way he did, alone and forgotten on some Galra ship, bleeding out and calling for help that would never arrive, a trophy for the Emperor and his witch.

His soul migrates to the Black Lion. He is still with them in the end, watching over his brother and the other kids, protecting them as best he can.

He has unfinished business. From the moment his soul leaves his broken, decimated body, he can feel the echoes of others, discarded pieces of his consciousness latched onto artificial bodies. He knows immediately when Kuron is dispatched, but there is nothing he can do. He is completely alone inside the Black Lion. There is no way to reach Keith. Neither of them are strong enough yet.

Kuron takes over, reflecting the pain and the loss that plagued the real Shiro. Shiro himself watches as a reflection of himself adjusts to his new life, filled with false memories of a traumatic past - a past which had not yet ended. Shiro screams in the void, his own ethereal chest aching with loneliness and despair, yet still wise enough to know what Kuron will lead everyone to.

Haggar’s plan presses forward. Kuron forms an alliance with Lotor, lashes out at Lance, but that moment leaves everyone vulnerable. Lance, the ever kind and perceptive soul, stuck for a moment in the mindspace, is somehow able to tap into the consciousness of the Black Lion, where the real Shiro stands.

“Lance! Lance!”

His head turns, his attention piqued, but the connection fades as quickly as it started, and again, Shiro is left in isolation.

Peculiarly, he is susceptible to Kuron’s pain. It’s distant, an aftertaste, but he can feel it - the anguish, the torment, the confusion. His only solace comes in the fact that the void is growing weaker, bringing him closer to the paladins who are still alive. If he focuses hard enough, he can almost feel himself in Kuron’s place. It’s not enough, but it will do for now.

Hope comes in the form of Keith, strangely older and larger. In the heat of it all, in the mess of Lotor’s true self, Kuron turns. Whatever part of him held a connection to the original Shiro fades out, leaving Black more vulnerable than ever. Keith enters the cockpit, and Shiro latches on with everything he has.

It’s horrible, watching Kuron fight his brother, watching him dissect Keith’s psyche and do his damnedest to reunite the two of them. But Keith is so strong, so compassionate, and his love saves them all. His sword slices Kuron’s arm straight from his body, and the poison of Haggar’s magic disappears. Shiro is so close. Keith and Kuron dangle from a precipice, then fall, fall, fall. Shiro catches them, the Black Lion reacting to his command. When Keith wakes up, they are finally, finally together. Shiro explains everything. As one, they defeat Lotor, they escape the Quintessence, they survive.

Shiro isn’t expecting it. He stays in the Black Lion, and he watches over the paladins, the princess, and their allies, but he never guesses Keith’s intentions. He is outrageously surprised when his little brother drags Kuron’s body out of the lion and tells everyone the truth about Shiro’s spirit. He’s even more surprised when Allura knows exactly what to do. He watches, in awe, as she approaches the Black Lion, her Altean magic stirring deep inside her. Her hand touches the metal of the lion’s body. Shiro’s spirit tugs forward. In a rush of hot, molten energy, his soul enters her body, pressed up against the vessel of her being. Then he’s looking down at Kuron, bleeding out into this copy of himself.

When Allura has finished, Shiro doesn’t quite know how to use a physical body again. He stumps into his brother’s arms, exhausted and sick.

Keith smiles above him.

“Rest,” Allura says, and he does.

.

Shiro isn’t a stranger to nightmares. They’re like an old friend now. He sees different things this time: his own arm, flesh and blood; his Galra arm, pink and glowing; Haggar’s arm, switching into his consciousness as if Kuron’s body had always been his, as if Kuron’s arm is still there, providing a link back to her.

Shiro wakes up in a cold sweat, exponentially weak and feeble. He looks up. Eyes meet the metal hood of Black’s cockpit. Keith is in the pilot’s seat, eyes glued to the screen, while his cosmic wolf sits beside him. A jagged line shows their course to Earth. They can’t generate enough power to wormhole there, so they have to use natural causeways and self-sustained bends in space-time.

Shiro lets out an involuntary groan. His head aches; the exposed stump of his arm throbs. He’s sweating, and he wonders if he’s running a fever.

At the small noise, Keith whips around. “Shiro? You okay?” He lets the lion continue on auto pilot and hops out of his chair.

“I just - don’t feel so hot,” Shiro admits. Keith lowers himself to the makeshift cot. He cups a hand around Shiro’s forehead. He frowns.

“Let me radio Coran. I know Allura is recovering from exertion still, but - but maybe he has some advice.”

He straightens up and makes for the pilot’s seat again. Shiro watches him for a moment before his new, beaten body pulls him back under.

.

It takes time to get to Earth. Days, weeks maybe. Keith and Shiro stay in the Black lion. Krolia migrates between Black and Blue, wanting to spend time with her son and keep an eye on Shiro, but knowing she has work to do with Coran and Allura. She’s more than a little preoccupied. Keith tells him about the visions they experienced. She knew something had happened to Keith’s dad when he stopped responding to her communication. She hadn’t known the details.

Still, she offers her help and her soothing touch when Shiro’s fever spikes, then breaks. Adjusting to his new body is a challenge, without or without the searing wound of his dislocated Galra prosthetic. He’s particularly startled when he catches a glimpse of his hair in the glass, starkly white against the low light of Black’s interior. His fingers catch it between them, pulling at the strands in awe.

As he comes into his body, his consciousness shifts. He keeps the memories of the astral plane, but Kuron’s memories start to fill him too. He recalls yelling at Lance, watching his face fall when Kuron’s voice gets too loud. He recalls the feelings of confusion and uneasiness when he comes back to reality after a moment under her control. He recalls feeling hopeless, feeling vaguely suicidal when he realizes something is wrong during his conversation with Lance about the astral plane. He even recalls the entirety of Haggar’s control, watching his own, copied hands desperately trying to end Keith’s life. Shiro feels sick.

Keith finds him in this position after a rendezvous to Red, where he’s caught up with Lance and his first lion. Shiro’s curled up on his cot, tears stinging his eyes. Keith sees him and falls immediately beside him, wrapping his arms around his brother. Back at the beginning, before they could even form Voltron seamlessly and the Galra were a vague, monstrous entity, Keith was the only person Shiro let his guard down around. In his moments of weakness, only Keith could understand. Shiro revisits this now, sobbing and endlessly apologizing for the actions of his clone, for being dead and unable to help, for leaving his brother in his time of need.

Keith doesn’t stand for any of it and tells him firmly but fondly to “knock it off.”

.

They arrive back on Earth’s soil, three miles out from the Galaxy Garrison. Keith immediately sets up shop in his old shack, inviting the paladins inside. They change from their armor to comfortable clothing, and Pidge leads the group to her home, where her parents treat them to a nice meal, and Coran can begin talking with Sam about a new castle. As the evening drags on, and it becomes clear that building a new castle will take a bit of time, Hunk and Lance begin to make plans to visit their families.

Shiro looks to Keith, knowing the exact thoughts that are going through his mind. Shiro only briefly considers the possibility of visiting Japan, but the thought is so painful he can’t continue. His parents believe he’s been dead for years. Maybe it’s for the best.

After dinner, when the sun is low in the sky and the hot summer heat has dropped, Shiro finds Allura in the Holts’ backyard, admiring the limited plant life and the crystal clear view of the stars.

“It’s beautiful,” she says, when Shiro catches her gaze.

He nods.

“How are you holding up, Shiro?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s a lot to adjust to.”

Allura holds out her hand. Shiro takes it without question, allowing her to lace their fingers together. Something about her has always calmed him. Even now, with the buzzing of his time being dead, and the ghost of another Takashi Shirogane in his body, he feels the anxiety pour out of him. It’s possible Allura is working her Altean magic.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize it wasn’t you, and I’m sorry we left you to die in Zarkon’s hands. I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much and so greatly, and I just hope that you can find some kind of peace with us now.”

Shiro looks up to see that she’s crying. The hand that isn’t holding his reaches to touch his pearly hair. He’s crying too.

.

Lance is quiet around him. Lance feels guilty. For not knowing, for not being a better leader, for letting Shiro and everybody else down.

He finds Lance late one night, sitting on the porch of Keith’s shack, hugging his knees to his chest and looking up at the stars. He’s missed Earth, Shiro knows. But things aren’t the same as when they left. This life is eating him too, but Shiro secretly thinks Lance is much stronger than him.

“Can we talk?” Shiro asks, taking a seat next to him.

“Sure,” Lance says, voice soft. “You okay?”

“For now,” Shiro says.

Lance frowns, “What does that mean?”

Shiro shrugs. “I’ve been dead for over a year. And I don’t trust this body yet.” He looks down at the empty space on his right side.

Lance doesn’t say anything, but clenches his jaw. Shiro‘s eyes move up to meet his concerned look.

“I’ve been thinking about things. A lot of things. About my time in the void, and what I’m supposed to do now, but - Lance?”

“Shiro - ?”

“I don’t blame you for anything, Lance. There’s nothing you could have done. And - and I was there, when Keith was gone and my - my clone was Haggar’s mouthpiece. You did everything right.”

Lance stares at him, dumbfounded. “Shiro, I - “

“Don’t say anything,” Shiro presses. “Just - don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?”

.

It takes some convincing, but once Sam confirms that he’ll be able to work on the castle alone, and he can call any of them in a heartbeat if radar shows anything approaching Earth, Allura agrees to an excursion to Cuba.

Lance had been growing restless and depressed. He video-called his family the night they landed, and had every night since, but everyone can see that he’s dying to see his family in person.

They leave the lions in the desert and instead board a plane. Romelle and Allura shift their appearance, and the latter casts some kind of magical veil on Coran and Krolia to hide their true looks. Within hours, they’re stepping onto the ground in Cuba, and Lance is crying freely. His whole family is waiting for them in the hangar, and he takes off at full speed, propelling himself into his mother’s arms.

She speaks quickly to him in Spanish, and Lance responds, voice warbled by happy sobs.

“Mama,” he says, pulling her forward, “These are the other paladins of Voltron - Hunk, you already know, but this is Pidge, Keith, Allura, Shiro - and this is Coran, Allura’s father’s right hand, Romelle, and Krolia, Keith’s mom.”

She accepts each of their hands gratuitously before introducing herself and the rest of Lance’s family.

They pile into two minivans and drive out to the McClain family home, tucked away in the lush hills around them. Shiro finds himself gravitating toward Keith, glad that despite everything, he will always have his family at his side.

Lance’s family prepares an impressively large meal for everyone. Shiro doesn’t have much of an appetite. He eats what he can and apologizes for wasting the rest. Lance’s mom comforts him, but frowns nonetheless.

“Are you okay?” she asks him in heavily accented English. “You look unwell.”

“I’m fine, Mrs. McClain,” he lies.

.

All the paladins share the floor of Lance’s bedroom. Lance tries to insist that Shiro take his bed instead, but he refuses.

“Shiro, you just came back to life, and Allura blasted you into a body that fought the hell out of Keith. Take my bed, dude.”

“I’ll be fine on the floor.”

“Shiro.”

“Lance.”

“Fine. Suit yourself, weirdo.”

Almost everyone falls sleep quickly. Shiro is exhausted to his very core, but his mind won’t shut off. So much has happened.

Shiro drifts, in and out of consciousness, through vivid thought after vivid thought. He isn’t actually sure he’s asleep when it happens, but soon enough, Shiro’s mind is flashing back.

He’s on a Galra ship. Poisoned magic is coursing through his veins. He sees Keith, and his heart supplies: brother, family, love. But his brain only computes: enemy. He launches forward. His arm is glowing purple. His head is pounding. Keith is fighting back. Shiro’s arm only grows with power. He’s spitting venomous words. He’s trying to distract Keith. He’s trying to _kill_ Keith.

_“Shiro, please. You’re my brother. I love you.”_

Shiro jolts upright, sweat pooling on the back of his neck. Keith stirs next to him, but Shiro’s already stumbling up, out of the sleeping bag, out of Lance’s room, down the hall, out the door, out, out, out. His knees hit the sandy ground, and he breathes hard and fast.

Hot, burning hatred hisses in his stomach. How could he let this happen? How could he do this to his own brother? What happens next time? What will he do? Who will he hurt? He reaches for his right arm, startled when it isn’t there.

It doesn’t matter. He still hates himself, and he lunges forward with a dry heave from the force of it.

“Shiro?” Someone drops down next to him. “Shit, are you okay?” Keith.

Shiro heaves again for emphasis, but nothing happens. “Fine,” he chokes out.

“You are nowhere near fine,” Keith says, pressing a cool hand against Shiro’s sweaty neck. “You’re a hot mess.”

“I - “ Shiro starts, but he shatters. “I’m so sorry, Keith - about what happened on Haggar’s ship. I - “

“Had nothing to do with it,” Keith cuts in. “Hell, it wasn’t even your clone‘s fault. It was all Haggar.”

“It was this body,” Shiro argues. “It was my hand. I almost killed you.”

Keith attempts to hug him, but stops when Shiro stiffens.

“I won’t ever forgive myself.”

.

Lance takes the team out to explore his town. On one particularly hot day, everyone goes to the beach. Shiro follows along in his black board shorts, but he couldn’t feel less like being there.

He watches from the safety of his lawn chair as Lance and Keith splash each other in earnest, Krolia smiling fondly over them. Hunk and Pidge pass a volleyball back and forth over an ancient net. Even Coran gets in on the fun as he swims around alone. Allura and Romelle chat side by side, discussing memories of Altean culture.

Shiro feels so far away from everyone. He still doesn’t exactly know how long he was inside the consciousness of the Black Lion, but from Pidge’s calculations, it was at least over a year. Shiro shudders underneath the blazing sun. He wasn’t sure he would ever escape. Time dragged on forever. He felt so, completely alone.

He lies back, slumping in his chair, but he can’t relax. He’s shaking. He jumps in when someone comes up beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Shiro?” Allura asks, concerned.

“H-hi,” he struggles.

“You’re sitting alone,” she says.

Shiro doesn’t know how to respond. He feels his eyes sting. Allura’s expression falls.

“Oh, Shiro,” she says, squatting and pulling his upper body toward her.

He rests his forehead on her collarbone. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“It’s okay,” Allura assures. “You’re going to be okay.”

Shiro doesn’t know if he believes that anymore.

.

Shiro hasn’t gotten out of bed in days. Its easy to feel safe on Earth, but he feels scared too. Exhausted. Sometimes hopeless. Sometimes paralyzed with the experience of everything.

He tells everyone he’s still feeling effects from the fight, from his soul transfer, from the exertion of losing his arm and then traveling to Earth. Lance tells his mother that Shiro is sick. She brings him spicy soup and tea. He feels guilty about it.

He’s missed them, the paladins. He really has. He wants to spend this rare free time with them, but once again, his return feels misplaced. Despite his fight back here, Shiro feels dejected. Something’s snapped inside him. His time as a text subject and warrior with the Galra was much worse, but the post-traumatic stress could be managed. Sure, it was hard. It sucked. On his worst days, Shiro hoped he wouldn’t return from their latest missions, but things would always look up when he needed them to.

This time it’s different. He’s broken. And he’s returned to a place that doesn’t need him.

Maybe he should have stayed dead. Maybe Keith and Allura should have let him be. Maybe Shiro should take matters into his own hands.

Shiro rolls over, wrapping his blanket more tightly around his shoulders. He knows the paladins want to see him, but he can’t bare company right now.

Instead, Shiro clothes his eyes and fantasizes about stabbing himself with his bayard until he’s asleep again.

.

They go back to Texas. Hunk’s family meets them there to visit. Shiro has a hard time putting on his happy face, and he knows that it’s very noticeable. Hunk’s parents whisper to him in a language Shiro doesn’t understand. He feels a sharp, stinging pain in his chest knowing that he’s coming off as a pathetic lump rather than a fearless leader.

Allura sends him worried glances and forced expressions of encouragement. Lance watches from a distance, frown always painted on his face. Keith stays with him at night, silent but supportive.

On the last night of Hunk’s parents’ visit, they invite the paladins out to a formal dinner with them. Shiro accepts, determined to reciprocate the kindness the paladins have shown him, but it’s hard. Keith corners him when they’re getting ready.

“Shiro?”

“Yeah?” he asks, running his hand through his snowy hair.

“Can we talk?” Keith asks, edging further into the bathroom.

Shiro’s stomach plummets. “What’s on your mind, Keith?”

Keith sighs and struggles to start. “I’ve just been thinking, and - and I’m worried about you, man. This might sound kind of crazy, knowing that we won’t be here forever and that there’s a whole war that we have to return to, but - “

Shiro braces himself.

“We’re here. We’re on Earth - might as well take advantage of it? I know you’re having a hard time, and God knows I have had many of those, so - have you thought about seeing someone while we’re here? A psychiatrist? Or even just like - a counselor? Sam still works at the Garrison, and even though I was still expelled, the counselor they made me go to helped a little - “

Shiro’s head is absolutely spinning. He can’t say he did think of that, because he honestly, his problems seem too big for anything here on Earth. In fact, being on Earth has just felt like a dream the whole time. Nothing seems real. His mind and his body are so used to being in constant fight-or-flight mode.

“Keith, I don’t know - it just seems like - I mean, I’ve had worse, right?”

“Have you?” Keith asks earnestly. “You _died_ , Shiro.”

He shrugs. “I mean - I guess I’ll think about it,” he decides. “I’ll let you know.”

Keith nods, still obviously worried. “Okay. I love you, Shiro. You’re my big brother. You mean a lot to me. Don’t forget that.”

Shiro nods, but his brain has already moved back to his constant stream of bad thoughts.

.

After two months of nonstop work, the new castle has gotten huge. It’s almost done, and within the next few weeks, they’ll be back in space, all paladins returning to the lions that brought them here. In other words, Shiro won’t be returning to Black.

Everyone, including Shiro himself, agrees that he’s too fragile and too vulnerable to be a paladin. Most everyone attributes this to the new body and the lack of arm, but Shiro knows better. It’s his mind that’s broken.

He’s been thinking about the possibility of Haggar sending another clone, or a whole army of clones, or perhaps she’ll just possess the real Shiro. None of them really know what she’s capable of, but one thing is clear: thanks to her, Shiro has a massive target on his back.

So with no lion to return to, and with the possibility of becoming another weapon to turn on the current paladins, Shiro is really considering his options.

Coran and Krolia want him on the ship for battle reinforcements. Allura thinks he would be just as useful a soldier if he pilots the castle instead of a lion, and maybe he could if he wasn’t so fucked up.

Instead, Shiro thinks it might be better for everyone - for their psyche and safety - if he simply took himself out of the equation.

.

  
Allura finds him outside, staring at the bayard in his hand. It’s taken the form of a pistol. His hand itches to pull the trigger, to scatter his brains among the dusty landscape of the Texas desert.

“Shiro? What are you doing?”

Shiro doesn’t answer at first.

“Shiro? Please answer me.”

“It’s an interesting thing, Princess. How different cultures can be across the universe.”

He isn’t quite sure why these words are what he’s coming up with, but he rolls with it.

“What do you mean?” Allura asks.

Shiro hums. “Here on Earth, in Japan, the nation that I’m from, we used to glorify kamikaze pilots - pilots who completed suicide missions to hinder the enemy. Surviving war is a disgrace, so suicide is encouraged. Suicide is honorable.”

“Shiro,” Allura says quietly. Her voice is shaky, watery.

“You brought me back, but I didn’t want to survive this war, Princess.”

Shiro brings the barrel of the gun up to his chin.

“Please - “

“But it’s more than that. I have nothing to offer Allura, and we don’t even know if I’m safe from Haggar. Sure, my arm is gone, but it was a part of me for so long. And - and this body isn’t even mine. What if she finds a way, Allura? What if she comes back into my head - only it’s the real me that betrays everyone this time?” He cocks the gun. “This is my duty.”

“Shiro, please listen to me - “

He pulls the trigger. But Allura is one step ahead of him. With a blast of magic, she slaps the gun from his grip before the bullet can exit the chamber. A shot goes off into the dead air.

“Come with me, Shiro. Please. Let’s keep you safe.”

Shiro responds by lowering himself to the ground, silent sobs shaking his shoulders.

“Please don’t tell the other paladins.”

.

Shiro spends all night with Allura, crying into her chest and letting her stroke his hair. She doesn’t know what to do for him, but Shiro doesn’t fault her for that. Her touch keeps him momentarily stable.

In the morning, Shiro keeps his gaze downcast to hide his bloodshot eyes. The paladins still know something is wrong, but respect that he won’t disclose it.

Lance, however, finds an opportunity to corner him when they tour the new castleship. when everyone goes off to find their new rooms, Lance grabs Shiro by the elbow.

“I know what you did. I heard the shot.”

Shiro pales. “Lance - “

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Shiro. I get it. I know - I know you struggled even before all of this - the dying, and the clone stuff. I can’t imagine the kind of shit you saw when you were captured by the Galra, and - and then you were dead. Like - dead, dead. And suddenly you’re back? It makes sense, Shiro.”

Shiro swallows. “Still, Lance - “

“I died, you know. Did you see that?”

“No, I - Kuron must have been somewhere else.” Shiro watches as Lance makes a calculated thought. His jaw is set, his muscles strained.

“I took a blast in Red. I died. I think - I must have gone to the same place you were, but inside Red. Just briefly. Allura resurrected me right away.” His eyes are unfocused, glassy. His voice loses girth toward the end of his sentence, like his very self is slipping away once more.

Shiro feels a lump in his throat. He reaches his hand out awkwardly, crossing his body and coming up short on Lance’s left side. “Lance, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize - “

Lance shrugs, bats a hand as an afterthought. “I’m just saying - I know I don’t have it nearly as bad as you, but - but something changed when I died. I don’t feel complete anymore. I feel empty.”

“Lance - “

“So, I get why you did it, Shiro. I don’t like the way it feels. I can’t stand it.”

“You feel - ?”

“Suicidal? Yeah.”

Shiro doesn’t need to hear another word. He leans forward, and pulls Lance close with his arm. Lance is frozen for a moment before he hugs back, tucking one arm awkwardly around Shiro’s upper waist, put off by the lack of limb.

“Thank you, Lance,” Shiro says quietly, voice cracking. “I’m - I’m so used to holding everything inside, I - I think the two of us could use each other.”

Lance heaves a sudden sob. “We’ll get through it,” he hiccups. It’s unconvincing, but he forces a smile anyway.


End file.
